today

So, I know that the original intention was for me to use this as a forum to discuss/write about my healthcare experiences, espcially comparing cs w/vfc, and every tuesday i work at vfc I'm tired & don't write when i get home, and here i am on a fri night, tired, but wanting to write.  so, here goes ,and not really about healthcare or maybe only about my own health.  first, i want to get a comfortable chair and desk set up & a way better computer and internet connection.  whine whine.

after my great date with Robby, which might not have been a great date if he lived in la, though i never would have gone out with him if he did live in la, so i never would have had a date, which is why i think it was a great date, and i let myself have fun even if it was imperfect, and her ei am writing all about it on this more potentially public space.

anyway, the point of this rambling was to write that i'm now excited and desirous of meeting new people, which i so haven't been.  And, i'm trying to figure out how to meet new people, preferably single people, and have this exciting life (which i understand does not always = fun, sometimes exciting is scary and sad and complicated).  i feel like i've had this window into realizing that there is so much more out there, wherever out there is, and i want to be on the way there, and i used to be more so.  maybe it does mean making travel plans.

working at vfc is one step and it does widen my work and my life.  plus, i get to practice my spanish, great for me, not sure about the patiehnts.  but one thing i noticed this week in my super great mood was how confident i felt and behaved with my patients and the staff and even dr t who always makes me so nervous.  somethign was different and i'm so grateful and i enjoyed it.  i still need to be more efficient, and all the other areas i need to improve.  and, i had a great week.  i feel good.  i feel hopeful and like i am on a path, or at least i recognize that there are paths. 

i'm ready to start going an i want to move and i don't know where to go, maybe this is one of those times where movement of any kind is what's important.  so, tomorrow i call team in training and emporer's college.  and email elizabeth's acupuncturist.

my fantasy life includes being on the board of organization (s) b/c my input and opinion is valued, and travelling for work, so that i can be paid to travel - the where and why not so much in focus, and now i feel more clear that i do want to meet new people, not just patients but peers, friends, lovers, make new connections, give people a chance, and i'm also wondering if part of the buzz was the touching, not just the fooling aroudn, which was a definite turn on, like i'm turned on to life and living.  also, the rubbing after, the kind of massage or "post orgasm rub down" and the compliment after.  i felt good doing that, not just i'm doing something nice kind of good, but a good like i'm good at this and i like it and i have an intuitive sense of what to do and how to touch someone in a pleasurable and potentially healing way.  and i like all that.  of course, it would have been even nicer to have that reciprocated in this instance, but that's one of those things that i've given up b/c i'm not invested in this particular relationship, which might be the best way for me to engage, and it's not that he didn't offer or try and given more time, i think i would have asked, so the time limit offered many benefits, but some "limitations."

i wonder if i keep giving myself a hard time that i never read the web that has no weaver, and somehow that means i won't allow myself to learn more about traditional chines medicine or becoming an acupuncturist.  i would love to be in an environment of support and learning and growth and not as elinor so rightly figured out in 2 minutes of a "gotcha" culture.

sleepy tired now.  over & out.